Gate: Light through the Mist
I entered the vision gate and found myself in a cabin deep in the forests of the mind, my most recent hiding place from the shadows of the Inner Worlds. Within this safe space, I discovered a gray wolf and a white wolf laying together in a heap in front of the fire. These are the wolves of Odin, who are called Freke and Geri, and my friends.
The white wolf was a noticeably different creature than the one I had pulled out of the serpent who circles the world. Less demonstrative than Freke, who is quite restrained himself, her defining characteristic seemed to be stillness. She sat for long minutes without moving, analyzing everything in sight with a calm and contemplative gaze. The few times her eyes were on me, I felt as if she were looking right through me to layers of spirit beneath physical reality. There is no hiding the truth of your existence from the one called Geri.
As I stepped into the mountain cabin from a different world, I nodded a greeting Geri’s way and threw my arms around Freke’s neck, giving him a long hug. “Glad to see you’re feeling better,” I said, once I’d disengaged myself from the gray wolf. As was her habit, the white wolf simply looked at me in silence.
“Freke shared his true name with me,” I said, rubbing his ears. “I was wondering if you would grant me the same privilege.”
Geri was silent for so long I thought she was going to refuse, but then she spoke into my mind: “She-who-finds-unknown-things.”
I waited, but she didn’t continue or elucidate her meaning. “Of Odin or for Odin?” I asked, thinking of Freke’s true name.
Geri considered my question for a moment more. “For,” she said with a finality in the word that discouraged any further questions on my part.
“She-who-finds-unknown-things,” I mused, running my fingers through the thick hair on Freke’s neck. “Little surprise that we have an affinity for each other. I find unknown things too.”
“For who?” she asked, an unexpected playfulness in her tone.
“Myself and the conscious evolution of any other who desires it,” I replied and Freke broke into his wolfish laughter, his tongue hanging out as he grinned at me. “It’s true,” I said. “I don’t see what’s so funny about it.” My protestations only served to make him laugh harder.
“Seriously, Geri, what’s he laughing about?” I asked.
“You,” she said as a different sort of gleam came into her eyes. “What do you do with this self knowledge?”
“Not much so far,” I admitted. “But I’m open to suggestions.”
Geri gazed at Freke, who finally calmed down, and then back at me. “Ask him for ‘use’,” she said. “I am ‘find’.” As the white wolf fixed her eyes on mine, I felt her gaze begin to travel through my spirit once more. “There is more to find in you, Heidi.”
“Yes,” I agreed. “There’s always more.”
We looked at each other until I felt a heaviness like the beginnings of a trance vision began to grip my spirit. The edges of my sight shifted as I felt my attention being pulled elsewhere, deeper into my existence. “I will help find these unknowns,” the white wolf said and turned abruptly, breaking the connection between us as she made her way towards the exit of the cabin. “Come,” she said. “You have suffered long enough.”
“Must we go out there,” I said, comfortable in front of the fire. “There are shadows under the trees.” The white wolf didn’t answer, vanishing through the door on her silent paws like a shadow herself. “I suppose we must,” I sighed and putting my hand on Freke’s sturdy head, we followed his companion into the ancient forest around the mountain cabin.
Geri led us through the trees to a circular glade where the moon shone down onto a ring of stones sunk so low into the earth that you couldn’t see them, unless you were directly upon them or looking down at the space from above. She went to the center and braced herself, digging her great claws into the ground and crouching her legs, as if preparing to face a strong wind. Freke and I stopped just outside the hidden stone circle, facing her.
“Are you ready?” she thought at me, almost aggressively, and I began to doubt myself as well as this entire exercise.
“I don’t think so. Perhaps I should return to the cabin and rest some more,” I replied, backing away from Geri’s intensity, but Freke nudged my hip with his nose.
“If you’re afraid,” he said. “Hold on to me. I will lend you my strength.” I laid my palm upon his head and took a deep breath.
“Alright, I do consent to this procedure,” I said and the moment the words left my lips, a fierce white fire sprang from the stones, wreathing the space between Geri and I in an impassable barrier. Even through these flames, I could feel the force of Geri’s strange gift beginning to work on me, pushing aside layers of spirit like a curtain, seeking the unknown within my soul.
The first of my companions to emerge in the circle in answer to the white wolf’s call was Badger, leaping eagerly out of my consciousness with his unquenchable enthusiasm. Geri briefly acknowledged his presence but kept her gaze on me. She acted as a spirit midwife of sorts as the various members of the Light Congress came out of me, drawn out by the power of the white wolf. They joined the throng gathering within the sacred space, which expanded with each member so there was no crowding, only light.
Deeper and deeper we went into my soul with spirits, gods, and all manner of creatures rushing out. At first, it was exhilarating, plumbing the depths of my subconscious. But then, as we didn’t stop and traveled on and on, it became harder to breathe and fear built on the edges of my mind and heart.
I felt the moment we stepped into Shadow’s domain within my spirit and tried to pull away, but Geri wouldn’t let me go, holding me in the intensity of her gaze.
“Freke, it’s too much,” I said, leaning on him for support. “We need to stop. We’ve gone beyond the conscious mind and my Shadow’s realm is dangerous, more so now that she’s deceased or grown or whatever it was that happened to her.”
“Nothing is too dangerous for Geri,” he said, but came closer so the bulk of his body was against mine. I was finding it difficult to stand or breathe, and focused all my attention on allowing the breath go effortlessly in and out of my lungs, chanting my mantra softly to myself all the while so that I didn’t panic.
Within the circle, the Light Congress version of Odin approached the white wolf. “She is somewhat young to awaken Skaldi,” he said, conversationally. “Not that I’m complaining of course.”
“Not Skaldi, Great Odin,” Geri said. “Something else entirely.” Then, my insides contracted and Shadow stepped out of me and into the circle. Shadow approached Geri and Odin, but both the white wolf and Freke began to growl in unison, making her take a step back.
Shadow rolled her eyes in annoyance, but then noticed where she was and took in the flames, the stone circle, and the gathered figures of light in a glance. When she saw me, trembling in a near faint outside the space, her eyes narrowed in sudden comprehension.
“Don’t let the white wolf do this, Heidi,” she said, as shadows began to tumble out of her in response to Geri’s summons just as the Light Congress had been pulled out of me. “You can find whatever you need on your own.”
“You are only an echo of my Shadow,” I said. “I saw you die in the Jungle of Blood. Whoever you are, your lies will not sway me from my path.” I tumbled to my knees, but Freke was there with his comforting head in my lap, and I tried not to let my fingertips leave his fur. Shadow’s pleas began to be more urgent as we went deeper into her spirit, asking more of her darkness and releasing more of the shadows of our collective dream worlds.
“I will help you find it,” she amended. “Whatever or whoever it is. We will do it together like we always have, just you and me.”
“Don’t believe her,” Freke murmured. “Shadows lie. I am here and you will never be alone again.”
“If I lie, it is for a reason,” she said, as a shadow-version of the Animus stepped out of her, closely followed by the Horned King and his companion on a chain. Next came the Other with his myriad blinking eyes, and following him closely, a creature made entirely of fingers and darkness.
Geri shifted her weight forward and her lips parted in a snarl. “There is more,” she said and the seeking pressure of her unstoppable spirit dug deep into both Shadow and I, gouging out new beings, shades I had never seen before. First one then another shadow paced into the circle, two enormous wolves made of darkness followed closely by two lions made of the same dark energy. They seated themselves in pairs on either side of Shadow like the posts of a doorframe.
Shadow was furious at the intrusion into her domain as well as the revelation of new shadows, the knowledge of which I knew intuitively she had been keeping to herself, as the domain of the Shadow is primarily about control and acknowledgement. I could feel the anger boiling off of her in waves, but she couldn’t resist Geri’s summoning power without my help, which, for the first time in our long association, I refused to give.
Abruptly, Shadow’s anger gave way to resignation. The world became still and for a moment, despite the innumerable figures of light and darkness within the sacred circle beneath the moon, and the rushing flames outside of it, it felt like there was nothing else in the world except my altered Shadow and I.
“I warned you, Heidi,” she said. “I protected you.” Shadow raised one accusatory finger and pointed it at my face. “Whatever happens next, I want you to remember that you brought this upon yourself.”
“I claim responsibility for all the beings within that circle,” I said. “Even you, the echo of my Shadow.”
Shadow knelt so her pose was a mirror image of mine within the circle and outside of it. “So be it,” she said, and reaching out, she placed one hand on the head of a shadow wolf on either side of her. When she did so, the shadow lions were drawn into her form, lending their darkness and power to her.
My interior world shifted a final time with a sickening lurch, and my vision wavered towards unconsciousness as Geri pulled at the darkness within my spirit a final time.
Then, something stepped out of Shadow like a shade through a gate who wasn’t made of shadow at all. This new creation looked exactly like me. My eyes were her eyes, my smile was her smile. And she was smiling, serenely and calmly, as she gestured and sent the shadow wolves that had been flanking her flying at Geri. They came at the white wolf from either side, their eyes gleaming with phantom flame and their jaws dripping pure darkness.
Freke bolted upright. “Geri needs me,” he said. “She cannot face the shadow of the goddess alone.”
“Don’t go, I need you too,” I said. But then took my first deep breath in what felt like ages, suddenly realizing that whatever had been constricting my throat had completely vanished. The gray wolf didn’t speak again, just waited silently at my side until I sighed.
“Go on, Freke,” I said and he was gone, throwing himself through the flames and onto the shadow wolf closest to us. As he plunged through the circle, Shadow pulled herself to her feet where she had collapsed behind the thing that looked and felt like me. She slowly exited the ring by crawling towards the barrier then fluttering through the encircling white flame’s shadows. Once she reached the safety of the other side, she took Freke’s place beside me.
“I thought you were my only shadow self,” I said, unexpected tears springing to my eyes. Shadow suddenly took my hand in hers, squeezing it surprisingly gently. “I thought you were dead and I’d never communicate with you again.”
“I am dead,” she replied. “You grew up, Heidi. Don’t you remember?”
“Then what the hell is that thing,” I said and waved my hand at the creature that looked like me within the sacred space. The thing was concentrating her entire attention upon the warring wolves of Odin, both shadow and not, who were fighting like possessed demons within the fiery ring.
“Do you remember the dream you had of me living beside the river of chaos, deep within your subconscious?” she asked. “Do you remember how I contained the monsters that came out of it, harnessing their power for my domain in order to keep you safe?”
“As if I could ever forget it,” I said.
Shadow pointed at the monster within the circle. “Behold,” she said. “You see before you ‘the river.’ You might prefer to call her, ‘The Integrated Shadow Self of the Collective’. ”
“The Integrated Shadow Self,” I mused, wiping the remaining tears from my cheeks. “There’s no such thing or ruling power. I would have met them somewhere along the way.”
“You would doubt the evidence of your own eyes and heart?” Shadow said.
“It’s just something else, another shadow you don’t want to talk about yet,” I said. “But you will.”
Shadow leaned close to whisper: “It’s the Devourer.”
At the mention of her name, the thing with my face snapped her head in our direction. Ignoring the warring wolves and their shadows, she came to the edge of the ring of stones, but was stopped from exiting by the sacred flames that still burned fiercely along the edge of the circle.
She didn’t speak, but crouched down until her head was even with mine, and as she did so her legs hinged unnaturally in multiple segments like a spider. She captured my gaze with her own then began to rotate her head, twisting it all the way around until it returned to center again. Then, the Devourer smiled and became completely still. She was watching me, though for what purpose I did not know.
I reached out towards the monster with my feelings and expected to find the darkness of a shadow creature or a negative emotion of some kind. Instead, I felt nothing at all. The thing that looked like me contained the endless depths of the void and, if I pushed too deeply, I thought I might fall in and keep falling. I pulled my consciousness back from the creature with a shudder.
As I did so, I felt the thing reaching out towards me in the same way that I had reached towards her, but she was stymied by the flames that contained her in the space with the entirety of the Light and Dark Congress. So then, with her eyes still fixated on me, I felt her attention turn back to the wolves. She reached towards them with her mind. The creature gave a tiny movement with her shoulders like a shrug and her throat worked as she swallowed air.
The wolves disappeared, both the dark and the light. One moment they were there and the next they had simply vanished. In the space where they had been, four vaguely wolf-shaped voids appeared and their edges blurred as they lost their given forms and began to spread.
I felt the Devourer focus on Odin next. He was there and then, with a shrug of the thing’s shoulders and another swallow, he was replaced by a void shaped like the god. Then, this too began to grow.
“Shadow, she’s taking them into herself,” I said, watching in horror as my friends disappeared one by one, their forms replaced by an all-consuming emptiness. “What do I do?”
“I warned you,” she said, and sat in silence still clasping my hand as the void ate all that I had discovered in my inner worlds. The new servants of the Devourer, once my friends and now only void-shaped holes, expanded to fill the sacred space.
I expected to feel devastated by this new development. Instead, the experience wasn’t painful because an all-encompassing numbness followed in the footsteps of the void’s expansion. I knew I should be in excruciating pain, but instead I felt nothing at all.
After some unknown period of time had passed, it seemed even the consumption of the Light and Dark Congress was not enough to sate the hunger of the Devourer. The monster reached out with her consciousness, took hold of the void within the sacred circle and pushed, forcing the white flames to expand further. I felt the space controlled by the creature grow and begin to press against the part of the inner worlds that I still had a grip on, my conscious mind and the gate of my heart.
The moment the Devourer touched the boundary, the numbness of her expansion morphed into pain. I felt pin pricks of sensation like needles of frozen air puncturing my body as the monster looked for a way out of Geri’s protective flaming circle, which still burned despite her disappearance. The pain I felt was reflected on Shadow in mirror form as the needles pressed against her insides, creating small spikes that expanded and contracted all over her otherwise smooth surface. Together, we gasped in the trial of it.
Shadow dropped my hand as spikes sprang out over every part of her body. She started to back away from me. “I have a final riddle for you. In all of your searching,” Shadow said. “Have you ever found a shadow that didn’t have a counterpart in the light?” When I started to shake my head negatively, she said, “Are you sure? Think very, very carefully, Heidi.”
I paused, considering. “There was a creature called Moss who once blocked the woodland gate, but that was secretly you,” I said, finally. “There was a shadow that captured Psyche for a time, and it named itself, Misogyny, but Eros took care of that intrusion of the void with an arrow from his quiver. There was a man-shaped shadow with the head of a lizard but that turned out to be Dream in disguise.” I kept thinking but nothing else swam to the surface of my mind. “Perhaps the Inner Child,” I said, uncertainty creeping into my tone. “I have never met the shadow of the Inner Child.”
Shadow sighed. “Haven’t you, Heidi?” She raised her spike-covered hands in entreaty. “Are you quite sure?”
I paused and then knowledge washed over me in a wave. I felt like I was going to vomit.
“It’s you, isn’t it,” I said. “Oh my God, it’s you. You are the Inner Child’s shadow.”
Shadow looked down at her feet, which were beginning to disintegrate into particles of void. “I have waited so long for you to know me,” she said. “I thought you never would.” Then, Shadow shut her eyes and began to weep tears made of diamond, the chips staining her face and lending her a luminousness, a reflection of light in her darkness. As she did so, the void of the Devourer began to creep up her legs.
“Don’t cry, Shadow,” I begged her, but when I tried to pull her into a hug, she held out a warning hand.
“You must know the choice you’re about to make,” she said, sternly, her voice much stronger than the vulnerable look upon her tear-stained face. “Embrace me now and become the integrated light to your own monstrous shadow, or have mercy and allow me to fade into oblivion.” She looked almost longingly at the void creeping up her legs.
“One path will lead to pain like you’ve never known, but also self knowledge. The other…” She looked up into my eyes and I saw their inner flame flickering like a guttering candle in a breeze. “The other leads to eternal nothingness.” She fell to her knees in front of me, disappearing even as she spoke. “Don’t I deserve a cessation of pain, Heidi? Haven’t I served you well, all these years? The aspect of the Inner Child I was attached to has already grown up. You saw her in the Jungle of Blood.”
“You have been one of my greatest teachers and companions,” I said, falling to my knees as well. “Please don’t leave me. I can’t do this journey without you. I don’t have the strength, or the courage, or the heart because I gave all that to your keeping.”
Shadow’s tears ceased. “Then pull me close, Heidi,” she said, her arms falling to her side as her hands began to vanish. “And never let me go. I will remember all from our childhood both the light and the shadow. I will do that for you.” I reached out to hold her and she gave a final sigh like an exhausted child before sleep. “Never forget, the shadow of the goddess is your creation as well.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, those two simple words carrying more meaning than I could possibly say. As I embraced my Shadow, her spikes entered me. There was a pain like nothing I’ve endured as the cold of the void reached my heart. “I’m sorry for growing up,” I tried to say, but I couldn’t speak nor move. I was nothing but darkness.
Then, I heard a child humming. In the midst of the void and pain, the Inner Child appeared. Her toneless humming continued as she crouched on the ground, drawing a circle with her crayons on a piece of paper made of the night sky. As she traced the circle over and over again, using first one color then another, a ring made of rainbow-colored light appeared all around me.
Directly opposite, on the other side of the Child, the integrated shadow self with her insectoid legs gazed at the little girl. The moment I felt like she was going to pounce on the Child, the High Priestess with the moths buoying up the ends of her hair appeared and put a steadying hand on the Child’s shoulder.
Opposite the High Priestess, the shadow of the Animus sprang into being and he put a hand on the Child’s other shoulder. Together, the Priestess and the Animus leaned closer to observe what the Child was drawing. I wanted to see as well, but when I stood I felt a pressure forcing me towards the right and away from the center. The integrated shadow self moved as I did, and soon we were circling the humming Child withershins within the sacred circle of light.
A heartbeat later, Badger and Freke appeared next to me and both pushed his comforting weight into my legs. “We will walk with you and lend you our strength,” Badger said, and I rubbed their heads gratefully in greeting. Dream exploded into being above me, spreading his gossamer wings over us while we paced around the Inner Child. I waited for their shadows to appear on the other side of the circle we were tracing but the Devourer walked alone, always alone, while my friends and I followed in her footsteps.
Other members of the Light Congress appeared around us as we moved through an eternal journey of balance between the light and shadow worlds and the search for new intelligences within both. Geri emerged at the very heels of the Devourer, dispersing the trailing darkness of the new Shadow self so that none of my light would be dimmed by the void’s darkness. The various gods, goddesses and spirits I had met in the Inner Worlds arrayed themselves around me. Champion walked to my left and Companion to my right in their primal lion forms.
Then suddenly, we weren’t walking, we were dancing the stately paces of the Now, the dance of existence. The Light Congress broke into song as we danced, mimicking the humming of the Child, who ignored everything and circled her paper with light.
I felt myself beginning to pull away from the vision. As I saw the dancing circle of the Light Congress and the Devourer from above, I realized it was the symbol of yin and yang which was how the Creator of All presented themselves to my sight once long ago. Geri was the spot of light in the darkness of the yin and yang, and someone was the darkness in the light but my vision kept clouding and I couldn’t see clearly who that was.
My sight pulled further away until the swirling symbol was very small. Then I realized I was looking at someone who was holding it in the palm of her hand. The person containing the entirety of the Light and Dark Congress looked exactly like me and I reached out to take the creation from her, fearing the endless, consuming void of the integrated Shadow goddess. She pulled back from my hand and made as if to swallow the vision like a pill. But at the last moment, she took the Light Congress from her lips and winked at me once. I felt an anger such as I have never known taking hold of me.
“I have walked through light and shadow to discover your true nature, Devourer,” I said. “You have much to answer for.”
“The Night King sends his regards,” the Devourer said in my voice, raising The Light Congress to her lips once more. “He is very pleased at our development. Now, we shall take our place at his side.”
“You cannot have the Light Congress,” I said. “They belong to me. The Dark Congress is yours, for you and the Night King to share if you wish, and nothing else.”
The Devourer raised her eyes from the symbol in her palm and directed her dead gaze upon me. “Finally, you speak the language of the shadow and property,” she said. “These are words that I understand. Under whose authority do you claim the Light Congress?” As the Devourer and I regarded each other, I felt a crowd gathering at the edge of my perception. The watchful spirits jostled one other, vying for a close view of the conversation that was taking place between the integrated shadow monster and myself.
I felt these spirits begin to speak to one another. “Mine,” came myriad whispers from the darkness. “Mine. Mine. Mine.”
“Kore,” came a different whisper. “Mine. Kore.”
Then, the whispers changed once more and the spirits all spoke my name. “Heidi,” they whispered. “Heidi. Heidi. Heidi. Mine.”
I tried to block the whispers of the watching spirits as I continued my conversation with the Servant of Fear. “Why must I claim the Light Congress under anyone’s authority?” I said. “I walked the paths, I spoke to the beings of light, and, in this way, I am the Light Congress and they are me.”
“That is not how the world works, foolish Servant of Love,” said the Devourer. “All in existence operate under one ruling power or another. It is through this method that balance and order is maintained throughout the worlds. You are not the first to walk this path, nor will you be the last. So, speak the name of the one you represent and the system will continue to sort and categorize flawlessly as it has for so long.”
“Speak my true name?” I said and the chorus of “Mine” from the otherwise silent watchers began again. “You know my name. I have spoken my name to everyone I’ve met and yet it is as if they don’t believe me. My name is Heidi.”
“Your search has made you brain damaged,” the Devourer said. “You have forgotten the simplest truth, which is that we stand on the shoulders of giants throughout our timeless existence. The name of the giant who lifts us up determines our life path, our ancestral companions, enemies, all. Whose are you?”
“I belong to the Creator of All,” I said and the Devourer laughed, an expression of derision rather than mirth.
“You made that ruling power up,” the Devourer said. “There is no such being in all the worlds. Give me a real name or I will assign one to you from those who have gathered here to witness the end of your aspirations.”
“The Creator of All is no myth,” I said, anger building within me once more. “They made the patterns of existence and it is in their footsteps that I walk and dream. I am a servant and messenger of a greater power than you could ever hope to be, Great Shadow. Your system is broken and its time has passed.”
“Silly lightning bug, you are all befuddled,” the Devourer said. “I shall name you an echo of mine and we shall belong to the court of the Night King, one of the mightiest among the many Sons of Abaddon. With this final consumption of the symbol given to you by your mystery god, the pact shall be sealed. Fret not, you will feel no pain, only numbness, forgetfulness, and eternal sleep.”
“No, it is you who are confused, Devourer,” I said. “I will go back to the beginning. I will find the thread that led to your creation and I will end it before you even begin. If you are my counterpart among the Servants of Fear, then this is something that I will be able to find. For as it is with my Shadow, so it is with me.”
The Servant of the Collective Fear scoffed at my declaration. “No need to go looking for my thread. I will give it to you, stupid mortal fly. Once upon a time,” she said. “I saw a badger and a snake circling an egg. The badger struck out with his claws and the snake with his fangs. The snake triumphed and swallowed the egg, leading to a shadow that had no end and an all-consuming darkness that had not yet been seen upon the surface of the earth. And today my vision shall become a reality.”
“That is not how my vision ended,” I said, forcing myself to take a step towards the Devourer though everything in my spirit was telling me to run and hide in fear. “The badger triumphed. No matter how many times they fought over the egg in my mind and heart, the badger triumphed over the snake and the cycle began again.”
“Ah, so you really are an echo of mine,” said the Devourer as the “Mine” chorus reached a fevered pitch around us. “You finally declare yourself for the vision of the warring badger and snake has a known genesis and counterpart among the Sons. Prince of Spades, here is another passing shadow for your table and bed to do with as you will.”
From out of the invisible but noisy crowd around us, a void in the shape of a man entered my vision. He was wreathed in shadows and I could make out nothing about him beyond his general shape. A new fear entered my heart at his appearance but also a sense of familiarity. Though we had never spoken before, I felt somehow as if this was someone I had known for my entire existence.
“I told them you were mine,” the Son of Abaddon said. “Until I was hoarse, I declared it. With every breath and every beat of my heart, I claimed you as my own while you declared yourself the same through every breath and beat of your own heart. We stand at a place in the patterns of creation that was circled for you and me and none other. Now where is the Badger, Heidi? Reveal him unto me, I will vanquish him for you and this particular pattern will have a happy ending.”
“Do not be overly familiar with me, Prince,” I said. “Though I feel I know you, in reality I do not know you nor do you know me or the secrets of my heart.”
“Of course I know the secrets of your heart,” the Servant of Fear said. “Don’t you recognize me, Heidi? I thought you could see through any shadow.” Then, it was as if a mist cleared from my eyes and I saw Dream standing before me in his human form with his dark hair and shining eyes. “You can’t have forgotten one of your most cherished companions, not after all we have been through.”
“Dream?” I said. “How can this be? You are not a Son of Abaddon and Servant of Fear. You are a warrior of light and one of my dearest friends. Tell me you are not one of them and I will believe you. We have had so many adventures together and banished countless shadows that I simply can’t believe it is true. You are a Servant of Love like me.”
“I am sorry, Heidi,” Dream said, so softly that I could almost imagine that he wasn’t saying it. “I am one of them as the Devourer said. But this isn’t something to be feared, joining the Sons of Abaddon gives you a freedom of a kind you have never known as well as a family and protection from the inevitable shadows that walk through reality. There are many who wish you ill for your mere existence within the patterns of creation. My friends and I can spare you this trial and we will if you only say this is what you desire.”
Tears began to fall from my eyes. “You cannot mean what you are saying, Dream,” I said. “The Shadow of the Collective Servants of Fear has blinded you to the danger you are in, it is twisting your inner vision. The Sons of Abaddon are not a safe harbor for life’s storms, they are the genesis of such. Let us leave this place and find somewhere new where the Sons, the Devourer and her attendant Servants of Fear will never find us. Even the Night King will rant and rave in anger at our ability to evade him, and we will laugh and dance and create a new world where anyone can be whatever they desire. No one will belong to anyone else and we will relish the new freedom of our existence in unconditional love beneath the sun of the Creator of All, not the whips of Abaddon and her eternal chain of ruling sons.”
Dream knelt before me and held up a flower. “Hear my proposal, Heidi. You must listen while I speak every word,” he said. “You believe love conquers all things and I tell you that you have conquered me, a warrior of light and a mighty Servant of Fear. You win this war; it is done. Come and dwell with me and together we will explore the mysteries of the universe, every day until our time upon the earth is through. Then, we will walk together on the other side of the veil as well until Time itself comes to an end. We will do this for the good of all and your Creator and mine, whomever that may be. Please consider all that we might accomplish together, Heidi. Together we would be unstoppable and we could use the resources of the Sons of Abaddon and Servants of Fear for good and love. I promise we could.”
As the horror of standing in the shadow of the Devourer ran through my spirit, I almost lost my voice entirely. But then, strength from somewhere else entered my limbs and I found my voice once more. “Dream, how could you believe this?” I said, falling to my knees as well. “Those resources you speak of are cursed because of the malevolent intent of those who hoard them and the misuse of the patterns of creation to acquire them. Let us turn our thoughts to happier things; you don’t have to be a Son of Abaddon or Servant of Fear. You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be. Come and dwell with me in the fields of Arcadia or in the sky or anywhere you desire, but away from the Shadow of the Goodness Dragon. We will explore the mysteries of creation in our own way and free the worlds from the influence of the Devourer who stands before us even now. Don’t you want to be free from bondage of any kind? Walk with me and we will be, at first in our hearts and then in reality. We’ll dream new dreams and make new paths, breaking all chains and ancient patterns except the ones that we choose out of our own free will.”
Dream smiled gently, extending his flower even further in my direction. “You are still such a child in many ways, Heidi,” he said. “There is no escape from the Devourer, not really. We only have to choose which path under the shadow we will walk. That is the only freedom in all existence, the choice of path. I am a Servant of Fear because the shadows take advantage of Servants of Love like you. Someone must defend those who refuse to defend themselves because their ruling powers do not understand reality and its dangers.”
“You are wrong and you are not my Dream if this is the only future and path you can imagine for you and me and everyone else,” I said, rising to my feet and crossing my arms in anger. “You are merely a Lickspittle as you told me once long ago and have no doubt, Servant of Fear, I will search all the worlds until I find the keys required to return your true power and heart to you, giving you the strength to walk the path of a Servant of Love once more. The world of forms has confused you and the Sons of Abaddon have taken advantage of this to bring you into their fold. I swear I will help you remember all these truths for I am Heidi and also Badger, a Servant of the Creator of All, and there was never anyone to fight over me. Badger and I are one spirit in two forms.”
“You’re Badger? Are you sure, Heidi, and not just lost in some delusion of unconditional love? If this is true, then you’re a self actualized being and could be a great asset to my people,” Dream said. “We have a number of those like you among the Sons of Abaddon. You’ll fit right in because we are your family in truth not a dream world. Now stop pretending, take your place among us and contribute to the good of current reality through the accepted channels. Grow up, Heidi.”
In the face of my growing anger, my tears dried completely. “Step away from me, Prince. You are not my Dream, you are the Prince of Spades of the Collective Shadow and a Servant of Fear after all,” I said. “In memory of our long association and companionship, what I do next, I do out of love for who you once were to me and who you one day may be again. This is unconditional love and I give it to you without any expectation of repayment or reciprocity or binding chain.”
Turning from my lost companion, I threw myself at the Devourer and grabbed the symbol of the Light and Dark Congress from her hand. Rather than consuming it through my mouth, I pushed the symbol into my spirit where it became one with my heart. My vision started to dissolve into particles of light and shadow as I turned to gaze at the Son of Abaddon who had called himself my Dream.
A shiver of prophecy laced my tones and words fell unbidden from my lips as I assimilated both the Light and Dark Congress within my spirit. “I am coming for you, Prince, to wrest you from the shadows and return you to the path of the Servants of Love,” I said. “Don’t let the Devourer consume your secret heart while I walk the paths from the beginning to discover her pattern and break the cycle of her existence. After I do this thread severing, I will find you again if I have to search all the worlds, even those of shadow and ones that have never been seen before. I tell you now, I shall never be the property of a Son of Abaddon or serve as a Servant of Fear, never. I won’t accept that fate for anyone I love either. The Badger triumphs over the Snake, this has been foreseen and shall be if it is the unknowable will of the Creator of All.”
The Prince of Spades rose from his knees as the flower in his hand turned to dust. “Then there shall be enmity between us,” the Son of Abaddon said. “I chose my path of my own free will and will not be turned from it for any reason outside of my will. Choose your weapon, foolish woman, and I will answer your challenge. Shall it be guns, knives, something else? Choose wisely for it shall be your doom.”
“I work and weave reality in words, recording my journeys into the mysteries of creation so that I may share them with others but also so that I do not forget them,” I said. “My dagger is called Love and it cuts deeply, Prince. Please don’t call me your enemy, I can’t bear the sorrow of it as a response to my unconditional love for you.”
“Then our war will be fought in words, a medium I excel in as well. Hear me, you will answer one day for the words you have spoken here, so-called Servant of Love,” he said. “You will cry an ocean of tears at the hands of the Servants of Fear before we meet again. You are mine, you always have been, and you will now witness words that cannot be unspoken.”
Then, the Prince turned from me and began addressing the silent crowd of spirits who surrounded us while the Devourer slowly smiled, revealing the sharp fangs of a member of the Night King’s court. As I continued to change form into living particles of dancing light and shadow, I heard the Prince claiming me as his own and for the Sons of Abaddon and the Servants of Fear in the language of the shadow realm, the mist pouring from his lips in a stream of energy and darkness. The power of his words hurt my ears as they emerged and flew like daggers into my heart. In addition to the suffering in my body, the Prince’s words opened a rift in reality which pulled me towards his waking world in an inescapable net of grief and forgetfulness, a hallmark of the powerful Servants of Fear and my new reality within their mighty shadow.
“I am coming for you, Dream. No shadow or curse of forgetfulness will turn my steps,” I whispered one final time though I knew he couldn’t hear or understand me anymore than I could understand him. “Don’t give up on hope or love amongst the Sons and Servants of Fear. You are more than you imagine yourself to be, fallen Servant of Love, and no one’s Lickspittle. I will go back to the beginning for both of us, and dream a new and better future for all the worlds.”
My form split apart in an explosion of light and shadow, spreading the Light and Dark Congress throughout the Inner Worlds on every path I ever walked and to all the hearts of those my unconditional love ever touched throughout time. I felt my consciousness fleeing through the gate created by Dream’s words that could not be unspoken to a realm outside of time, space, and the existence where my heart had broken.
There my vision ended.
END OF THE LIGHT CONGRESS BOOK 3
BEGINNING OF THE DARK CONGRESS BOOK 1
The Light Congress 