Gate: Death
I stepped through the vision gate and saw an enormous serpent made of light spinning in space and chasing his own tail. The serpent spun closer and abruptly swallowed me, dissolving my vision into darkness.
When I could perceive my surroundings again, I found myself standing in a graveyard. A giant moved among the graves, placing flowers of remembrance carefully by the headstones.
“Get down! Don’t let him see you!” said a small voice from behind me. Unseen hands pulled me behind a grave marker large enough to shield me from the graveyard guardian’s eyes. I turned to thank my rescuer and beheld an anthropomorphic mushroom who was of a size with me.
“Thank you for the warning but why are we hiding?” I said. “I don’t think the giant would hurt us. See how he cares for the graves so diligently?”
“The giant, who tends the Eternal Graveyard, believes there is a time for the living and a time for the dead,” the mushroom said. “If he sees you, he’ll make you leave. We of the Graveyard Kingdom don’t want you to leave. We want to show you our portion of the mysteries of creation.”
“But I’m only passing through,” I said. “Do we have enough time for me to truly understand your people?”
“There’s time enough if we can get you out of this entry gate region before the giant knows you’re here,” said the mushroom. “Follow me and I’ll take you to a safer place.”
Together, the mushroom and I moved quickly from headstone to headstone, hiding from the view of the graveyard guardian. We came to an open grave where the mushroom took a leap into the hole and I followed.
I hung for a moment in complete darkness, but then the sun began to rise over a distant horizon. Disembodied music came from the sunrise. The bright morning light revealed a paradise. Flowers, trees, and verdant hills seemed to go on forever into the distance.
Then, I heard laughter and discovered I was standing on the shore of a huge lake. Men and women stood where the land met the water and greeted travelers who came across the lake upon wooden boats. Some traveled individually while others moved in groups. The boats appeared to drive themselves but if I looked very closely, I could see the influence of the undines in the lake upon conveyances, guiding and pulling the boats from the far shore to the place where I stood.
The travelers themselves seemed dazed initially because of the distance they had traversed, but were soon engulfed by the enthusiastic greetings of the crowd. They instantly became more awake and aware as they were welcomed to a new existence by those they once knew and loved.
“You see the moment of death,” a voice said and I turned to see a being who was made of the waters of the lake. He was only vaguely human shaped by waters that were so clear that I could easily see through his form to the lands beyond.
“The recently deceased cross from the waking world to this one and are reunited with their loved ones who have gone before them,” said the undine. Together, the spirit and I watched these interactions for a time. There was laughter and smiles along the shore of the lake but also tears, some of remembrance and others of grief for those left behind on the distant horizon.
“My name is Heidi and I come from another world seeking the true nature of all I meet,” I said. “Thank you for sharing this experience of the moment of death with me, Spirit of Water. I see joy and sorrow, celebration and acceptance, a new beginning and an ending. It seems that this transition is another example of polarities within creation. What comes after death, when the spirits reach our shore?”
“I’ll show you,” said the undine and sloshed to the ground where he became a serpent of scales and flesh rather than water. The snake guided me farther into the forests of a paradise beyond death. In that peaceful, extraordinary place, I continued to hear music coming from the sun.
Occasionally, we passed groups of celebrants who moved through this world as the snake and I did. There was laughter, smiles, and stories being traded back and forth. Some danced together in groups with their arms raised to the skies in ecstasy. Others held one another in their arms and wept, apologizing for trespasses long past but still regretted in the worlds beyond the waking one. I maintained my silence as I moved among the crowds, not wanting to interrupt any of the spiritual healing and renewals of friendship and love that were taking place all around.
The serpent and I traveled for many days, though it was difficult to tell the passage of time for the sun never set in those lands, until we reached a place beyond the forests, a barren spot at the base of a cliff dotted with many caves. Disturbingly, I could not hear the music from the sun in this place. Instead, I heard groans and cries of distress coming from the honeycombed caves which loomed over us.
“Sometimes, ideas and dreams are separated from the spirits crossing the lake,” explained the snake. “These are the caves of those who became confused while passing the threshold of death. I thought you may be able to help these lost ones find their way home again.”
“I am always willing to try to help those who are suffering in the worlds wherever they may be found,” I said. “What do you suggest?”
“If I knew what to do,” said the snake. “I would have done it already.”
“Good point, Water Spirit. I’m sorry that was a silly question,” I said. “Well, making initial contact should be our first steps. Let’s give it a try. Hello!” I called out, cupping my hands around my mouth in an effort to make my voice travel further. The wailing ceased and an eerie silence took its place.
“Those in the caves, can you hear me?” I called. The silence continued. “My name is Heidi and I am here to help alleviate your suffering. Please prepare yourself for I am coming into your caves. I wish to speak with you further!” I took a deep breath to ground myself in the present then imagined myself multiplying so there was one of me for every one of the Lost Ones’ caves. My vision split into so many different perspectives that for a time I had trouble holding my consciousness together.
In the midst of my struggle, I felt a sting on my foot and looked down to see that the serpent had bit my ankle. “Ow!” I said. “Why did you do that?”
“You were just standing there with a blank look on your face,” the snake said. “I wanted to bring you back to my reality so that you could brave the caves.”
“That’s what I was preparing to do but I lost myself in The Light Congress because there’s so many of us,” I said. “Thank you for bringing me back to a singular perspective.”
“Anytime,” said the snake and he coiled about himself to wait as I made my way to the entrance of one cave among the many. I knocked at a doorway made of carven wood set into the cliff face. Small whimpering sounds came from the darkness beyond the door and then there was silence.
“Is anyone there?” I asked and pushed open the door, entering without invitation. As my eyes adjusted to the lesser light, I beheld a shadowy figure clawing the rock at the back of the cave with her bare hands.
“Show me the way out, the way out, the way out… please God, show me the way out,” the shadow said and scrabbled at the stone.
“Lost One, if you would just turn around,” I said. “The way out is behind you. You can leave the way I entered.”
“There is no way out. Mother went through the wall and I couldn’t follow,” said the spirit in the cave, turning in my direction as I approached her from the entrance. The concealing shadows cleared and I discovered she was covered with dark, furry hair and had tusks coming out of her mouth as well as two small horns on her head. Her claw-like hands were bloodied with her struggle to find an exit from the cave.
“You poor child, give me your hand,” I said and, tremblingly, she did. As she touched me, her fur disappeared and, surprisingly, the hand that appeared beneath was rather small and delicate. “Come with me and we’ll find a path out of this place together.” The spirit took a few tentative steps with me away from the back of the cave.
“That’s very good, Lost One. You’re so close to the exit now. Look! Look and see! Can’t you see the sun shining through the doorway? I see it and I hear the music of creation too. What a beautiful world! Let’s go there together,” I murmured encouragement as I ushered the small spirit towards the door.
When we reached the threshold, the horned spirit with the bleeding claws turned into a young human child. I looked into the spirit’s face and saw the child was myself.
“They told me I had to grow up,” she said. “And I didn’t know how. Mother was always grown up and I thought I’d just follow her to adulthood but then I was in this cave and all alone.”
“Mothers aren’t always grown up,” I said, kneeling to give the child I once was a hug. “They were children too before we knew them.”
“You’re lying to me,” said the Lost One. “Everyone knows adults are adults and children are children. My mother was never a child.”
“Sweet child, I wouldn’t dare to lie to you, not here in the worlds beyond death,” I said. “You don’t have to take my word for it. Go on, go out in the world beyond this cave and find your mother. She will help you understand the truth.”
“Will she remember me?” said the Lost One. “Sometimes adults have terrible memories.”
“Your mother loves you very much, I promise,” I said. “Go to her.” The spirit took two steps through the carved doorway and was gone.
Then, I blinked and found myself in another cave with a different Lost One. This shadowy animalistic figure was screaming in frustration and rage, and drawing her claws over the cave wall. Again and again, she raked her bleeding paws over the rock, creating a spiral pattern from her own blood.
“Wait, Lost One, you injure yourself in your attempts at artistic expression,” I said and reached into my pocket, pulling out a crayon made of light. “Try this. It should go on the walls much more painlessly than your own blood,” I said and gave it to the spirit.
She gave a cry of surprise or delight, it was difficult for me to discern which, and scribbled a rough doorway into the rock of the cave. As she put the final flourishes on the new gate, it came alive with light, revealing a path to somewhere else. As the spirit went through the doorway, she turned to gaze over her shoulder at me and I saw the figure was again myself.
“I knew there was a way out,” she said. “I gave my art everything I had down to my last breath and, when that didn’t provide an exit, I decided to use my own life’s blood.”
“Sacrificing your life down to the last drop of blood in your veins was never necessary, Lost One,” I said. “Why didn’t you just leave from the front door of the cave?”
“Because I didn’t want to go that way,” she said. “Everyone goes that way. I am going this way and my entire life was necessary to open the gate.”
“Your entire life or a new method of expressing yourself,” I said. “I would much rather create art out of inert supplies than my own heart’s blood.”
“Good luck finding a way out of this hell then,” the spirit who was me said. “It requires everything you are.” Then, she moved through the gate and was gone.
I blinked and found myself at the doorway of yet another cave. This Lost One stood in silence at the very threshold, gazing out into the forest beyond the barren cliffs. Even after my abrupt appearance in her reality, she stood as still as a statue, barely blinking as she looked ever outwards towards the paradise beyond her cave.
“Hello, Lost One. Would you like to leave this place?” I said, very quietly so that I wouldn’t startle the spirit further back into her cave. “Only a few steps more and you will be in an entirely new world. We can go there together if you like.”
“I don’t believe it,” she whispered. “I don’t believe you. I don’t believe them.”
“Believe what?” I asked. “You don’t have to believe anyone else. You can experience the world beyond the cave and know the truth for yourself.”
“I don’t believe my eyes. I don’t believe there’s a sun rising. I don’t believe in any of it, not heaven, not hell, not anything at all,” the spirit said, continuing to stare at the heavenly landscape beyond the darkness of her current existence. “If I exit this cave, I will disappear into nothingness.”
“That is demonstrably not true,” I said. “I am as real as anything here and I come from the lands beyond this cave. Take my hand, step out of the shadows, and you will see that I speak the truth.”
“If you are real,” the spirit said. “Then you can come into this cave with me. See it all the way to its conclusion and then tell me that my beliefs about reality are not true. To leave this cave is to experience annihilation. The one who dwells here taught me this is so.”
“I will face this lying shadow for you and explain to whoever told you otherwise that there are worlds beyond this cave,” I said. “Then we can leave together.” With those words, I entered the Lost One’s home. Unlike the other shallow caves I had explored, this one continued on deeper into the darkness and depths of the earth.
“What’s down there?” I asked, but I had lost the spirit’s attention. She was looking away from the cave again into the worlds beyond death.
“I don’t believe it,” she whispered once more.
“Don’t worry a moment about me,” I said. “Just relax and try to imagine that there is an existence beyond this cave. I’ll be right back.” Patting the oblivious spirit’s shoulder in farewell, I moved deeper into the cave to see what further shadows might be found.
As the light from above faded from my sight, red flames flickered on the cave walls ahead to the sound of sinister laughter. I followed the laughter and red light until I entered a space deep underground where crowds of people lived, fighting and running in panicked waves from each other in a large cavern. They fought, screamed, and ran around like rats trapped in a cage.
Uncontrolled fires burned making the livable space in the cavern even smaller than it already was. As they wailed and wept, the people ran from the flames and each other in an inescapable cycle of panic and fear. They ran and fought and ran, living lives of despair and hopelessness in a world that was much too small for everyone in existence.
Above it all, on a throne of darkness, sat my shadow self. She laughed at the chaos before her as her fiery eyes flickered in the lights of the unintentional bonfires. “Welcome to hell, Heidi. You’ve chased me out of other places, but this is my cave. I will not be moved,” she said.
“Hell, is it?” I said. “Where did all of these spirits come from?” A throne of light appeared behind Shadow’s throne and I sat to contemplate the situation. As I sat, the light from my chair increased and where the light from my throne touched, the fires went out and the mob ceased its wandering. The spirits’ forms changed from human-shaped into liquid water and the cavern was soon filled with a peaceful and still underground lake.
“They came with us from the worlds above,” Shadow said and looked at the changes in her cave. “Go away. You ruin all the dark places. Why can’t you just let me have a little bit of fun for once?”
“I’ve never seen anything beneficial come out of the shadow,” I said. “Not once, in all the time I’ve known you or in all the journeys we’ve taken together.”
“I’ll show you!” Shadow exclaimed like a petulant child, flew off of her dark throne and dove into the underground lake.
In the presence of my Shadow, there came a roiling of waves from the former stillness and a creature emerged from the depths. The waters were stirred as if by an unseen power and a whirlpool whipped into being in the cavern with the monster at its center. Emerging from the lake, Shadow laughed and flew around this monstrosity, pointing and clapping her hands in glee.
“There’s one of my children! One of my tribe!” she said, dodging around the monster’s seeking tentacles. “Isn’t she marvelous?”
“This is a perfect example of why I don’t let you make anything manifest in our life,” I said. “Who would want a swirling whirlpool of death and destruction?”
“She’s perfect for a Cave of Doubt!” Shadow said and pulled me towards the whirlpool. “Come on, you wet blanket! Let’s swim with the deep sea creatures as we were born to do.”
I waved a hand over the hideous vision. The whirlpool disappeared beneath the waves as quickly as it had risen and the monster dispersed in a wave of sea foam. “Can’t you make anything that doesn’t consume hopes, ruin lives, or break the natural progression of spiritual development?” I said. “Why must you always cause fear?”
Shadow turned away from me in a huff. “I don’t have to prove anything to you,” she said and gestured once more. The cavern around us vanished and I found myself levitating over a vast ocean with Shadow at my side. From the ocean, an enormous, black pearl arose like a spherical island from the deep. Shadow went to a doorway carved into the side of the pearl and I followed.
The interior of the enormous pearl was far more spacious than the exterior. As Shadow and I moved into the structure, children made of darkness and shadow ran out of catacombs built into the sloping walls of the pearl. “Mother, mother!” they yelled in happiness. “You’ve come home! We missed you!”
Some of the children embraced Shadow and joined her darkness, becoming one with her fierce spirit, while others touched her arms and legs, taking strength from her. As they increased in size and darkness, they ran from her, back into the depths of black pearl.
“My dear ones,” she said, kissing their foreheads as she went. “See all of the little anxieties, fears, doubts, and nightmares I’ve created? They make me so proud.”
Though her shadow children were very small and undeveloped, Shadow lavished attention on them all as if they were the most important beings in creation rather than ephemeral and passing darkness. Moving through the space and celebrating shadows, we finally reached the very center of the black pearl where a bright light shone into the darkness.
“You can’t have the father of my children,” Shadow said. “He’s mine.” She threw herself between me and a spirit in the shape of a man made of light at the pearl’s center. He was fast asleep in a glass coffin which rested on a pearl platform which built up from the floor like a mythical and male Sleeping Beauty. Black roses grew from the base of his coffin and wrapped around it, providing a further obstacle to viewing the spirit’s face.
Shadow leapt over the thorny mess and put her cheek lovingly against the glass. “He doesn’t wake very often, but when he does he belongs to me,” she said and drew her fingers over the glass in looping patterns, wistfully.
“What does a shadow know of love?” I said softly as Shadow continued to gaze lovingly into the glass coffin. As Shadow’s children milled about us and whispered behind their hands, Michael appeared in that dark place. His innate light sent the children back into the walls of the pearl while Shadow remained entranced by the one she loved.
“Hello, Michael,” I said with a sigh. “What are you doing here in the worlds beyond death?”
“I came looking for you,” the angel said. “An undine said you went into the caves to free the Lost Ones but that was quite some time ago and he was worried for your sanity.”
“No need to worry about me,” I said. “I’ve been helping spirits escape these prisons but my Shadow has completely dominated the furthest portions of this cave and it has been a bit of an adventure getting to the reason why she won’t give the place up to the light. Apparently, someone she loves has a spent form or a gate of some sort here. For someone who is driven almost entirely by fear, I must say Shadow has surprised me this time.”
“You remember all of the lessons that you have learned about the balance of the light and dark?” Michael said. “If your shadow has an animus, then you, Heidi, must have one too.”
“I do? Please take me to him because I don’t remember the way,” I said. “Maybe that is the missing piece to help bring the light into this Lost One’s cave.”
Michael led me back down the hallways of the black pearl where the shadow children snarled in the darkness. “You’re very brave, do you know that?” the angel said.
“I don’t feel brave,” I said, dodging the claws of a shadow child who tried to pull me into a dark hallway. “Lost? Yes. Brave? No.”
“It takes to courage to face the unknown and unacknowledged powers of your spirit,” Michael said. “But take heart for as it goes with your shadow so too shall it be with you.” We passed through the door of the black pearl and I saw, resting atop the waves beside it, another shining pearl made of gossamer light.
Children made of light swarmed around the angel and I from every corner of the second pearl. “Mother!” they cried. “Mother! Mother! You are here at last.” Smiling, bright children kissed my hands and hugged me as if they knew and loved me though I did not recognize them.
“They have me confused for someone else,” I murmured to Michael. “This number of children is an impossibility.”
“Behold your burgeoning ideas, dreams, and hopes,” Michael said. “They dwell here too within the seas of consciousness. The balance of the light and the dark is in all things.”
“I had no idea there were so many,” I said as the crowds of children continued to pour towards us. “What a pleasant surprise.” Michael gently encouraged the children of light to each side, forming a passageway between them so we could pass further into the pearl.
The angel led me to the center of the pearl where shadows emanated from a sleeping form. He was as beautiful in his darkness as Shadow’s man was in his light and also slept in a glass coffin raised from the floor. Around this coffin instead of thorns, I beheld ropes of green ivy. I parted some of the ivy to reveal on the side of the coffin, written in letters of gold, these words: From out of the darkness, there will come a great light. I knelt and traced the verse with my fingertips.
“He is one of the sources of your creative energy,” Michael said. “Together, you create the children of light you manifest in the world. When a child is born here emerging from the raw potential of spirit, your pearl and Shadow’s splits open, and your light and dark creations stream forth. They fight in your mind above the seas, a mighty clash of light and shadow warriors. When the creations are strong, so too is the struggle with the dark.”
“This must have happened many times because there are so many children in this pearl,” I said as I gazed at the male beauty within the glass coffin. “Do I fear this man and the shadows he casts?”
“He is thine own self,” Michael said. “You do not fear what or who you are.”
I blinked and found myself sitting back in the Cave of Doubt with the Lost One who gazed perpetually outwards, caught in fear in the worlds beyond death. I was looking into the palm of my hand, holding a white and black pearl, miniatures of the versions I had just passed through. “He is thine own self,” came Michael’s whisper from the pearls.
“Thine own self,” I murmured. Then I raised my voice to break through the Lost One’s reverie. “You have spoken of many concepts you do not believe in. Let’s consider the reverse of that. What has proven itself to be absolutely true in your experience?”
“I believe in the progress of the logical mind,” the Lost One replied. “I believe in what can be experienced in a real and concrete fashion as well as replicated for proper experimentation and observation.”
“You’re a scientist like my father!” I said. “This is very good and gives us a place to begin to explore the idea of existence beyond this cave. Tell me, do you believe in the power of medicine to cure illness?”
The spirit turned her eyes from the distant horizon to gaze at me, speculatively. “I believe in this, yes,” she said. “I believe in the power of medicine to heal the body and mind. Don’t you?”
“Of course, for I have experienced the efficacy of medicine in my time. Just think of all of the suffering that has been eliminated in the waking world by the development of antibiotics and other helpful therapies,” I said, rolling the pearls around in my hand. “In fact, I think you should take these pills which I found in the furthest part of your cave. They will restore the balance of light and shadow in your spirit and may cure you.”
The Lost One’s eyes traveled to the pearls in my hands. “They look very powerful,” she said as the light and shadow shone from them into her countenance. “Where did you find them again?”
“I passed through your cave into fire, shadow, and water to a palace of duality that rested atop the seas of consciousness,” I said. “In the palace filled to the brim with playing children, I discovered two male aspects, one of thorns made of light and the other of roped ivy made of shadow. Together, these male spirits and I create living armies of light and shadow who fight as they emerge perpetually from the deep oceans of the mind. May their mere presence and ceaseless struggle give you the energy and courage you require to cross this final threshold and explore the worlds beyond this limited cave.”
“All of that is contained in two simple pills?” the Lost One said. “A war of light and shadow?”
“It is true,” I said, handing the spirit the pearls. “I swear it.” Without hesitation, the Lost One swallowed the pearls with a gulp. For a moment, nothing happened and the spirit and I gazed at each other in complete silence. Then, all of the shadows and thick animalistic fur fell off the Lost One and she transformed into a beautiful, naked woman. The pearls which I had presented to her as medicine from the civilized world caused instant pregnancy and she went from non-pregnant to very pregnant in a matter of moments.
She gave a great cry, fell to the ground, and birthed twins before I even knew what was happening. One of the boys was made of light and the other of shadow, just as I had seen in the pearls above the waves. The spirit held her children in her arms for just an instant, then they grew into young warriors, punched each other playfully as brothers are wont to do, and ran out of the cave.
“Wait for me!” she cried and ran after them without a backward glance. The Lost One had found a reason to believe in a wider world and the strength to leave the Cave of Doubt. I was relieved by her change of heart and happy to serve even as a small piece in her escape.
“Wait for me too,” I whispered and exited the cliff with its many caves. When I did so, a version of me exited from all of the other doorways at the same time. These various versions of me fell out of the rock tunnels and collapsed back into one being while the honeycombed cliff crumbled into dust after our exit. Grass quickly covered the barren space and turned into a field of blooming wildflowers of assorted hues.
The undine appeared at my side as I admired the field of flowers. “You saved them,” he said. “You saved them all. I didn’t know such a thing was possible.” Then, he shaped himself into a small lizard and skittered onto my shoulder. “Do you remember me, Heidi?” he said. “I’m Lickspittle. You must remember me, of course.”
“Lickspittle, of course I remember you,” I said. “To forget you would be like forgetting my own name. Are you dead since you dwell in the lands beyond death?”
“Death is merely a doorway into another form of existence,” he said. “I’m as real as anyone here.”
“How about as real as anyone in the caves?” I said.
“What caves?” Lickspittle replied.
After exchanging a grin, my friend and I gazed into the sun which as long as I had been in that place seemed perpetually rising. Then, the light in the sky changed into a serpent made of flame. The sun came closer and opened his mouth wide. He then swallowed both of us, the lizard and sometimes snake who was also an undine and I, a being of both light and shadow, male and female aspects, a Servant of Love and Fear.
There my vision ended.
